12/14/10.
WSJ writer Elizabeth Bernstein on relationships and anger:
How do you keep a loved one's tantrums from ruining your relationship? Here are some tips from the experts:
Don't be silent. Ignoring the bad behavior enables it. And withdrawal makes the angry person feel judged, says Joe James, a psychologist and anger-management specialist.
Validate the feelings, not the behavior. 'Say, "Honey, I understand that you are really upset," ' says Karen McMahon, a divorce and separation coach from Oceanside, N.Y. 'You are not validating their reaction; you are validating their emotion. And it is the quickest way to disarm them.'
Explain later why the behavior upsets you. Were you embarrassed? Irritated that an evening out was ruined? Frustrated that the situation caused delays? Say, 'I love you but it's hard for me to be supportive of you when you handle a situation like that.'
Ask open-ended questions. How does the person feel about her behavior? Is she under stress? Try to understand what's going on.
Change your own behavior. Stop upholding your end of the relationship—refuse to cook, say—until the bad behavior stops. 'As soon as one person begins to change, the dance has to change,' Ms. McMahon says. 'The shift always happens when you change yourself, not the other person.'
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703727804576017430496839642.html?KEYWORDS=This+Loved+One+will+Explode
"Anger helps straighten out a problem like a fan helps straighten out a pile of papers."
---Susan Mancotte
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